Cramps So Bad I’m Sick

Dear period and cramps,

I still don't know if you are regular, or heavily painful cramps, or endometriosis or something else. I've had my period for 13 years now, cramps getting worse every year. You make me sick, literally. I want to be happy about my period. I want to be happy that I am a woman who is not unwillingly pregnant and who is healthy enough to get her periods. I want to celebrate that I am healthy, again, that you are back, again. But I can't celebrate that, lying in my bed for two or three days, suffering from cramps that get bad enough to make me sick sometimes. That push the content of my stomach out through my mouth by cramping so hard that my whole tummy clenches. My gynaecologists, five by now, feel up my vagina and into my uterus, put ultrasound probes into me and still don't know what to do about me. They tell me to take the pill without any breaks so I don't get my period and don't get pain. It works. But I feel weird about it. I want to have a regular period. I want to feel healthy. I want to feel natural. I don't want hormones pumped inside of me to suppress a natural process, to alter my hormonal balance, to worsen my chronic depression. I want to feel healthy. I want to feel natural. I want to feel seen. I want to feel believed and taken seriously.
I want you back, period. But I can well be spared you, cramps.

Love,
Amelie
Amelie, Germany

A Secret Miscarriage

Dear miscarriage,

You caused me heartbreak, you caused me pain. I didn't know I was pregnant until I had you. At first I was confused, it wasnt time for my period and I didn't know I missed one because I'm on birth control and skipped the withdrawal bleeding. But soon it became apparent that you weren't a period. I called my doctor and they said it was most likely a miscarriage, but because of COVID-19 they didn't want me to come in to the office. Besides the doctor only one person knows, my best friend. Not even my friends with benefits (who would have been the dad), I was away at the time, I was staying with my mom so he didn't know anything was wrong. I know I should have/should tell him but I can't. I'm not afraid he'll be mad at me, because that's not who he is but I know that news would stress him out... Miscarriage I feel both heartbroken and also relieved by you. I'm not ready to be a mom, I'm only 22. I can't be a mother, I don't even know how to take care of myself most days...

Sincerely,
A stressed out 22 year old
Anonymous, Canada

Praise Be the Good Tenant

Dear my copper coil,

After almost a decade of taking the contraceptive pill, you brought peace to my mind and body. How often have I been worried about forgetting the pill or it not working because I’d get sick or, or, or… I changed the pill due to my acne many times (spoiler: it didn’t do anything for it). But not with you, I don’t have such worries anymore. You have brought a new sense of myself, about my body and cycle to me. I am sometimes still excited about what my body manages from month to month. I am grateful for you doing your work, quietly in the background. Once a year we actually see each other at my gynaecological check-up where you are praised for being a good tenant.

You sit safely and nicely in my uterus. You have rented that place for 5 years of which 3 are over by now. In two years, I am afraid, you have to move out. Even though I will miss you, I am looking forward for the contract to expire. Then we will have gotten our money’s worth and can finally think about getting pregnant. 
I already thank you for the time we got to spend together and who knows, maybe at some point, I’ll get you replaced. But you will always have a special place in my heart for giving the most relaxed years when it comes to my contraception.

Yours, Luisa
Luisa, Germany

*Side Eyes*

Dear (possible) endometriosis,

I've been trying to get you diagnosed for years now, and I know it's not entirely your fault that hasn't happened yet (side eyes to the centuries of women being excluded from medical research). It just would be really nice to find a way to deal with whatever is going on with my uterus, and if it's you for sure.

So, endometriosis, if it's you causing me this trouble, please just calm it down. It's not been a fun ride these few years, heavy periods, agonisingly painful cramps, fatigue, back pain and abdomen pain both on and off my period, and all the rest of it are a bit rubbish.

Maybe, once I know, I could forgive you. For now, I'll fight you as much as I can.

Anonymous, UK

Say Hi to the Boobs

Dear boobs,

We have a very weird relationship, huh? You've always been really tiny, and that's okay, but why did you have to get smaller? I had the same breast size for years, but when I started taking the pill, you began to hurt. I thought I would try on different bras, and turns out I went down a cup size. It was a very weird symptom, I've googled it and assume it's because of the "hormonal changes". I wish you got a little bigger, because right now the triangular shape makes it hard to not wear a bra when I go outside. Some days I'm very insecure about your small size, but some days I'm like screw that my boobs are great! Let's see how we are in the future when I have babies and you get bigger then ey, maybe I'll miss you or maybe I won't. Either way, thanks for being boobs nonetheless. My boyfriend says hi too.

Love from Emma.

Emma, UK

Halloween Coil Buddies

Dear my coil,

Ever since I got you on the 31st of October 2019 I have been feeling like myself again. After being on the pill for two years you brought me relief and a sense of comfort. You help me with not getting pregnant and not having to deal with my period (well for the last four months anyway). Getting you has been one of the best decisions I've made for myself and it's partly thanks to The Hormone Diaries I found out about you. So thank you coil, for being Hannah's contraceptive of choice and therefore introducing me to it. And as a full circle kind of moment I really liked that we got to meet exactly two years after our matchmakers met for the first time. I really owe a lot to you and this is my way of saying thank you!

Love, Sofia

Sofia, Sweden

Get Myself a Pee Stick

Dear Implant,

While I'm grateful to you for preventing any unwanted pregnancies, I'm less impressed with your effect on my period. 6 weeks of spotting, bit of a break back to normality, then semi-periods every fortnight. Next up is a gap that's long enough I'm concerned you haven't done your job and get myself a pee stick (fortunately it shows you're doing something right at least). I'm ready for a bit of consistency please!

Yours (somewhat) gratefully,
I don't want to be a mother

Mel, Australia

“Inconclusive”

Dear my implant,

Why would you make me put on so much weight? Why has that weight got to be in such a way that I look 4/5 months pregnant constantly? Why would you give me month long PMS despite the fact I have no period?

I got you as I couldn't deal with the headaches I got on my period (with or without the pill) - they left me unable to get out of bed for the whole weekend. I was told you'd potentially stop me having periods at all - which you have, and for that, I'm very very grateful! The headaches are gone, and I have no debilitating cramps! But still having a lot of the PMS symptoms (see: mood swings, random crying, bloating, fatigue, headaches, spot breakouts) in the lead up to light spotting, and the weight gain? I wasn't prepared for that. I never felt that weight was important to me, and the numbers still don't, but looking at my stretch marks and the fat I've never had before, makes me feel like this isn't my body.

This is only made worse by the fact that weight gain isn't *officially* a proven side effect. The fact that the internet is full of women saying that implant has made them gain weight is apparently irrelevant because the small amount of scientific evidence on the subject is 'inconclusive'.

I realise that having you removed would stop all of this, but I don't know if my natural cycle would be any better or if those horrendous headaches and flu-like symptoms would return. Perhaps, you are the lesser of two evils - I can live with these side-effects, even if I have had to buy bigger jeans! Plus, as long as I have you, I can kid myself that the weight will fall off once you're gone with no work required on my part!

I'm sorry I spend so much time being angry with you - I'm sure you're doing the best you can!

All my love,
a-grateful-but-frustrated Chelsea xxx

Chelsea, UK

Freedom!

Dear IUD,

You changed my life.
No more periods.
No more worrying whether I was pregnant or not.
No more mood swings.
No more 10am alarm to remind me to take the pill.
Yes you were a little annoying to get, but you are freedom!
Your grateful friend xx

Anonymous, Australia

“I Can’t Find Your Cervix!”

Dear retroverted uterus,

Why? Just why?

You have made my life so much harder for no reason. I have always had horrifically painful periods and was on the pill for 6 years straight and so I had the hormonal coil inserted a couple of years ago when I was 17. Luckily, it was inserted during a laparoscopic surgery investigating endometriosis, which was deemed inconclusive. So this meant I was under general anesthetic and didnt feel a thing- perfect! When I came round, the was no mention of my retroverted uterus on the notes just that the coil had been inserted.

Flash forward to a month or two later, to my examination at the GPs to find to my horror that the pelvic exam HURT LIKE CRAZY! I had been told it would be uncomfortable but not agonising like I was experiencing. I had never had sex before so it was extremely scary to begin with, let alone the fact it was really painful. The lovely nurse discovered I had a retroverted uterus, that was somehow not picked up but she could not find my cervix to check if the coil was in the correct place. It took half an hour with me writhing on the table, only for her to say "I really can't find it, I can't find where your cervix is". I was sent away with the advice that it was probably in the right spot and once I have sex for the first time, it will be much easier and less painful.

So thanks to you Uterus, I have a coil situated somewhere in my body, and the expectation and pressure to have sex so I can be in less pain during examinations. Thanks a lot.

Signed, your unhappy friend,
Freya

Freya, UK

Drama Queen

Dear cramps,

please chill out! We're not trying to eject a baby, there is no need to be so dramatic. In fact, could you just not?

Sofia, USA

Fuck You!

Dear PMS,

You usually make me quite tired, but this month, you also decided to make me angry. *Very* angry and irritable. I hate that even when I recognise that you are happening, I struggle to control your effects!

I spent yesterday fuming against everything and everyone, then telling myself that it's just PMS and to calm down, then ranting again after a few minutes. Thankfully I was working at home, so nobody's feelings were hurt by my numerous "Fuck you!" exclamations, but living with you can be hard sometimes. Today you're gone, and I almost feel relieved that you've been replaced by your pal Periods.

Dear PMS, see you next month to discover what you have in store for me then!

Anonymous, France

Thanks but No Thanks

Dear Vaginismus,

You will not beat me! Ever since the ectropion made sex no fun and I had to have the cysts on my cervix cauterised you've hung around.

In some ways, I should thank you; you've brought my partner and me closer together and made our relationship about more than being physically intimate. In other ways, I wish we'd been able to have a normal sex life during my 20s ...

Now that I'm 30 we're working on having a family and with him at my side, we will overcome you. So thanks but no thanks. Goodbye!

Anonymous, UK

Badly Injured?

Dear periods,

I can't believe you arrived a week before my 10th birthday - when I was too young to understand what on Earth was happening - and I thought I had really badly injured myself. I was the youngest person I knew to be going through this, and most of my friends caught up a long 3-4 years later.

Now I'm 25 and I know you like the back of my hand, though. I know all of your twists which means you're on your way, I know when you'll be late and I know exactly how to handle you.

Thanks for the heads up. x

Esha, UK

Host Body Aches and Pains

Dear Implant,

As much as I like you, you've been rather annoying.

I've been grateful for the lack of cramps, or lessening the blow of them, as holy shit they were getting bad for me. Also, the very lengthy time between my periods has been nice, but the 2 week periods of very light blood? Annoying as fuck for someone using a menstrual cup (I had a fairly regular cycle before, with more blood) for the lightest flow, so I have to use panty liners.

Other than the 2 week periods, I'm mostly annoyed that when I first got you inserted, the area around started to ache quite badly. Enough that I sometimes couldn't use my arm, and I had to get you replaced. I'm glad they changed the area it was inserted, as it's now hopefully in an area where it won’t ache! (the back of my upper arm, it apparently has fewer nerves)

Let's just hope you can continue to do your job for the next 3 years without any more issues!

Your host body,
Amelia

Amelia, UK

Thank You, Doctor

Dear my Pill,

Thank you for helping solve the horrible apathy, delusions and impulsiveness I would get right before my period. Also thank you to my doctor who thought to put me on a contraceptive pill after so many antidepressants made things much worse. You da best. (fyi worth reiterating that all bodies react differently to the Pill and antidepressants – this was just my experience)

Ash, Australia

Educate the Men

Dear sex education for boys and men,

Why did you not learn about my period? Why is it every guy I've dated has not realised I bleed every single month or that I can't 'hold it in' or that my hormones mean sometimes I act a little out of character (to say the least),

And cis boys/men if you want to date someone who has a vulva, please learn where the clit is...

Charlotte

More Effort into the Boobs

Dear my pill,

While I am grateful for you allowing me to go through puberty since my body didn't seem to want to co-operate, I can't help but think you could have put a little bit more effort into the boobs. Do you think you could work on that?

Lots of love,
Daisy

Daisy, UK

A Big Piece of Plastic

Dear Menstrual Cup,

Why didn't I start using you earlier?! You have completely changed my period and are so easy to use! I always thought you were intimidating from afar- a big piece of plastic going up there? Really?!

But no, you are perfect. You catch the blood, you are eco friendly, you are easy to clean, you save me money.... Even my cramps seem less bad! I just wish I had discovered you sooner, rather than suffering through the rash on my legs from pads, ruined underwear galore, the ridiculous cost and waste.

You make me feel better about myself, like I am actually making mature changes and am taking steps to improve. For me you symbolise my entire zero waste journey- a simple but terrifying change, a step in the right direction, a discovery of something great. I am so so grateful for the ease of use and the savings to the planet you have given me.

Thank you menstrual cup for transforming my periods into something slightly less unpleasant.

Anonymous, UK

Staying Alive

Dear my mini pill,

Thank you for meaning my periods have become few and far between. Thank you for reversing the issues caused by my antidepressants. How ironic that the medication I need to stay alive leaves me incapacitated for a few days a month, but you've helped reverse that.

You may leave me spotting and get very angry if I skip you once, or mess with your schedule.

I may leave you soon for a slightly easier method I don't have to remember, but you've done your job well.

Thanks my g,

Levs

Lucy, UK