Ready When You Are

Dear Injection,

I was thankful at first that you took my period and period pains from me for 2.5 years when I wasn’t ready to have a baby, but nobody told me that you wouldn’t give me them back for up to another 2 years. And nobody told me my fertility won’t return straight away. And nobody told me that there isn’t anything I can do about that. For now, I’ll have to wait, ready when you are uterus!

Anonymous, England

An Unfair Choice

Dear PMDD,

You destroyed my teenage years by making me depressed, suicidal, anxious and angry for two weeks every month. Now that I know what you do to me, I fight you off with antidepressants. But one day I’m going to be brave enough to say goodbye to you forever with a hysterectomy. You’ve helped to make me who I am, but I’ll never forgive you for making me choose between being happy and having children.

Anonymous, England

I Just Want a Baby

Dear Sex Ed Teachers / Films,

Why did you make it seem like getting pregnant would happen so easily? I know you had to be careful and warn people about unwanted pregnancies, but when you hit your late twenties and actually want a baby, it's disheartening to learn just how small the window is each month that you can fall pregnant!

Why didn't you tell me about chemical pregnancies and early miscarriages? Why didn't you talk about ovulation and the different days of my cycle?

I don't feel I should only be learning this now. I just want a baby and no one warned me it could be this frustrating!

Thanks for trying?...
Hopeful-Mum-To-Be

Anonymous, England

The Hunt for Body Autonomy

Dear Ovaries.

I've never wanted you. Sounds harsh I know. But ever since I found out about you, your cycle and your pain, I have wanted you gone. I knew I could because my mum got rid of hers. At 11 I wanted nothing more to free myself from the cycle that caused me hell all for the sake of having babies. I knew even then that I would never lie down with a man and allow myself to be impregnated. I wanted to assert my rights and stand up for myself so I announced to my whole year 5 class that I wanted a hysterectomy. Instead of support all I received was condemnation from male teachers. Yet it didn't lessen my want for freedom. And it didn't stop me from spouting feminist arguments in an age before the Internet. How I discovered such things I do not know. All I know is that I've always been a rebel against something. (Whether I'm rebelling against my parents, school, my ovaries or my birth gender, it always comes from some undeniable part of my soul.)

So I continued to struggle under the pain of my cycle, dreaming of the day where I could have autonomy over my own body. For years I battled with periods that caused fevers, vomiting and hallucinations. I missed so much education and life because of you, dear yet wretched ovaries. The pain you bestowed me would make me scream so much, that I was medicated with codeine at 12, by male doctors that smiled when telling me "it's normal." (Blacking out from pain sure didn't seem normal to me.) Why had I been born with you? You felt more like a curse than a promise of motherhood. (I've never been religious, but I even tried praying you away to no avail.) You caused me so much hell.

If only people had listened to me, maybe things would have been different. If I had been seen by female doctors maybe they would have understood. I still ask myself these things even now. It doesn't do me any good too ask though. I've learnt that in therapy. However I know now, what I go through every time is a kin to periods after miscarriages. It's not normal but I guess it's normal for me at this point. Back when I was 12 those periods were more akin to actual miscarriages. I wish I knew that back then. Maybe people would have taken me more seriously back then.

Now that I'm older you've become a little bit more manageable. But it's hard to say whether you are the one that's gotten better or if I just have more experience with looking after myself. One thing is for sure, I don't black out anymore. (I still have the same anaemia that makes me fall over randomly and I still need 3 naps a day for 3 out of the 5-7 days of my cycle.) You taught me how to survive under excruciating levels of pain. So I guess I should thank you for making me strong. But no-one should go through what I went through. No child should long to be knocked out because of pain. No child should be locked in a room by parents who can't or won't help. (Yes that's something that happened because of you and it's abuse. I see that now.) No child should want to gag themselves so their screams don't wake others. And no child should ever feel ashamed about taking control of their own damn body. (And that is something I hope the world changes.)

For now though I'm still working on getting rid of you. I'm 28 now and my want for a hysterectomy is as strong as ever. I'm still afraid that whatever is wrong or abnormal with you will be passed on, and that's a risk I'll never take. Any way, I've always known I would adopt if I ever were to have a child. That's not changed. Even if my gender identity has. Now I want you gone two-fold. Maybe now people will pay attention to my want for autonomy. I've suffered under you for 17 years, and it's about time I was free from your clutches. I'm more resolute than ever to see the back of you. I want to be able to live my life as the person I'm meant to be instead of living in fear of a dysfunctional and irregular time bomb. And maybe once I'm finally free from living in your shadow, I can begin to move on with my life.
I'd like to say thanks for the memories but I can't.

-H

H, UK

“It Only Takes Once” Bullshit

Dear Ovaries,

I'm sorry that as a young woman because all you were shown is teenage pregnancy stories and all you were told is "it only takes once" infertility is so much harder to wrap your head around and so much more common than you think.

Anonymous, UK

“Part of Life”

Dear Doctor,

I wish you would have believed me. The first time I visited you about my period pain I was thirteen years old. You said the pain was normal. You used the word "complaining". You told me to use paracetamol.

The second time I visited you I told you I was missing weeks per month at school. I couldn't walk for the first two days each cycle for the pain. You prescribed me something stronger but it didn't help. No referral. No gynaecologist.

The third time I visited I cried, I begged you to help, you told me I was a woman now and my pain was "part of life". I was fourteen and I cried harder. I had to "learn to cope". I saw myself as weak.

The seventh time I visited you, I was nineteen, I was at university, I knew my pain wasn’t normal, my flat mates saw me screaming on the bathroom floor and told me they were worried. I got my referral.

I didn't visit you an eighth time. I had been to the hospital, been scanned, sat in the whirring MRI machine praying they would find something, something that could be treated.

They did.

The consultant told me, I had been born with a birth defect inside. Two uteruses sharing one small cervix that isn't wide enough. My blood had been collecting inside of me. My body contracting harder and harder each month to try to push it out.

I didn't visit an eighth time, because as much as I wanted to tell you I was right all along, that I wasn’t complaining or weak. Instead of visiting I changed GP practice. I realise now that girls deserve to be listened to. To be believed.

Today I am cared for by a gynaecologist who listens to me. I take muscle relaxants to ease the contractions, I am having surgery next month to allow me to carry children. I feel heard. I feel believed. My periods will never be "normal" but at least now I am in control.

@spooniefighter

Natalie, UK

Request Denied

Dear tubal ligation,

I struggled for years with nightmare periods, raging hormones, and every possible birth control option there is. Doctors denied my request for tubal ligation-despite my undying conviction I did not want children. Until one day someone said yes and 2 weeks later my life and my body changed in the most amazing way. Thank you.

Andii, Canada

F-U

Dear Pill,

I wish I had listened to my gut and just said no to you. Although the certainty of birth control was great, it was definitely not worth the massive weight gain, hormone imbalances and fertility struggles I’m facing post taking you. Honestly, F-U.

Love,
Ana

Ana, Slovenia